free your mind, and the rest will follow...

This is post #98 by the way, only two more until the big 100th!

One of my inner battles lately has been whether or not I should return to work or stay home until the kids go off to elementary school. A few months ago, when I enrolled them in a part-time Christian pre-school, it was for the purpose of socialization and a few hours of free time for myself. I wondered if the stress sometimes associated with getting them ready and out the door was worth the 6 hours a week of "free time" I would be getting. By the time I got them all strapped in and dropped off I would be rushing to get back for them. Regardless, I decided that it was worth it for them . They too could use some quality time away from home, some mental stimulation, and some socialization.

I have always imagined myself being a SAHM and felt Blessed that financially we could pull it off. What I had not stopped to realize was that in exchange I am becoming a sleep deprived, impatient, unmotivated, stressed out Mommy. My kids are three of the most adorable, wonderful kids out there. Don't get me wrong. We have so many special moments together, we laugh, we play. But truth be told, I am worn out. The abundance of energy that these three little ones have has caught up with me. The noise level, the fighting, the destruction of anything and everything, the messes, the uncontrollable laundry and dishes...I need to step away from it all. I had to be VERY honest with myself to admit that I am overwhelmed, worn out, and ready for change. I have struggled with guilt over even considering going back to work while other Mother's are forced to. I have a choice, some do not. I had a short conversation with one of my best friends Angie not long ago. She is a working Mother of triplets, the same age as mine. As I vented my frustrations out to her for the hundredth time, Bless her heart for always listening, she pointed out that being home with them all day every day probably added to the stress. I gave that a lot of thought. There are times that I put the kids down, hurry and get dressed(yes, at 8pm), and race out the door to wherever is still open. Why am I finding peace everywhere but in my own home? I know a whole new set of challenges come with balancing a career and family, but I suspect that a Mother who works races home to find her peace. To hug and kiss all over her children and cherish every second she has with them. Either way the messes and the laundry are here to stay, but I have found that I am completely unmotivated to keep up on the messes that are reoccurring as quickly as I can clean them. I am outnumbered.

Last week, which will explain my absence in blog land, I threw my resume back together, pulled out some of my old work clothes and got on the ball. I cannot explain how liberating a feeling that was. To look at my own resume and remember how hard I worked for those credentials. I had a respectable career, I almost forgot that I was capable of more than mothering. To have the phone ring for interviews in response, I was amazed that I was still marketable after these few years off. The excitement came flooding in. I realized that somewhere deep down, I had been lying to myself. I have missed my old self. I want to emphasize that I take the responsibility of Motherhood very seriously. I respect each and every one of you who is in the trenches, spending every last bit of your energy on your household. It is admirable, and I am the first to praise you. But I have to be true to myself, and I think my time as a SAHM is up. I feel as if I gave my kids a solid 2 1/2 years of my undivided attention. They will always & forever be my first priority and my greatest love. But I am going to try and rid myself of any guilt I have for putting them in preschool full time and taking a part of myself back. I think it will in turn balance our crazy lives out. They will have the opportunity to learn in an atmosphere where Mommy is not always saying NO! and GET DOWN! all day. They will learn to play with other kids, count, read, learn the alphabet, and all those other things that I cannot always be consistent with. And I will get to do something I am passionate about and feel a sense of accomplishment. When I am home, I will appreciate that time so much more.

So this is what is going on in our lives right now. These are tough decisions to make, but the Lord will guide us in the right direction. I have done much praying about it and will continue to seek his answers.