Friday, October 12, 2007

the verdict is in

I can't do it....

My biggest reservation about walking away from this experience is that I will have let so many people down. However, letting my kids down would be something that I could never live with. I didn't get home until 10:45 last night and everyone was fast asleep. The most I could give them were kisses on their precious sleeping faces and whisper in their ear how much I loved them and hope that they heard it. This morning Mason was crying my name from the moment he woke up. He fought me to put on his school clothes and tried to peel them off all morning. Asjia kept saying "don't go Mommy, Mommy don't go". I know school is not the problem, once we pulled up they ran off and left me in the dust. The problem is that they miss me. So that does it, my kids are suffering and that was never my intention of pusuing this opportunity. I am going to Thank God for blessing me with the ability to make this choice and not be forced in to anything, and Thank everyone in my life for their support, and part ways with the jobby job. A part of me mourns "what could be" with M.A.C but the decision is quite easy actually. I think I may stay on as a freelance artist so I can come and go as I please. Maybe a weekend here or there to get out of the house and keep the creative juices flowing. I have to find a way to keep the kids in school at least part-time because they really love it and it's helping them to blossom so beautifully. Thankfully the great people at their school are willing to help me. Either through scholarship or a part time job at the school to cover the cost. They are WONDERFUL. To those of you with a carreer and kids...I so admire your strength. I admire your time management skills and empathize with you on your sacrifice. For those of you who are home in the know I love and respect you to the fullest for what you are doing, we all know the trials and tribulations of that job. So there it is good people. Now I can stop worrying you with my broken hearted posts;)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thank You

Just a quick post to say I LOVE YOU GUYS. Your comments are always so touching. Thank You.

I had a rough morning. When I dropped the kids off the principal asked me how my job was going and if I would be attending the holiday dinner they were throwing this evening. Seconds later, I was in tears. I hate hate hate crying in front of people by the way. Her and the program director asked what was going on and I layed all of my inner battles out on the table. The wonderful benefits of this amazing school vs. the tuition that keeps me away from my family. The struggle over staying home and working. The need for balance. The whole nine yards.

So it was so nice to come home puffy faced to read all of your feedback. I really cherish all of you!

Stop and smell the roses babies

Today on my way home, I passed the hospital where I spent three crucial months on bedrest and brought my three little Angels in to this world. I had this urge to pull in there and run to my room. When I stop and think about it and take myself back in time, I realize all over again how amazing my life is and just how beautiful this journey has been.

I am asked all the time about the kids during those first few months. How did you do it? Were they premature? Did you have help?? And for a quick second I think about it and answer the question. Today as I sat gazing at the hospital, I really had the chance to remember that time. I could see all three of their precious little faces the day they were born. I remembered the feeling of awe I had. The fear I had of mishandling them, the panic I felt as baby's A, b, and C were wheeled in to my recovery room. The countless amounts of prayers that got us through. The sound of the cries, the sweet smell, everything. Aren't we so Blessed to be Mothers? It hit me again today as it often does, that I am divinely favored. God Loves me and has Blessed me abundantly...he helped me get one thing completely right in this lifetime. Nothing else matters♥

Thoughts of a former SAHM

Let me first start by felt really good to sign in to Blogger:)

Well, I really take my hat off to all of the working Mommie's of the world. And, I take my whole outfit off to all the SAHM's out there. I feel like I am stuck in purgatory. I have so many mixed feelings and emotions, and what I have decided is that either road is a sacrifice. In fact, sacrifice becomes our middle names the moment we give birth.

So here's a little peek in to my personal thoughts of the week...

I'm feeling more comfy with my decision. The kids have come so far in just a few short weeks. It's a really good thing for all of us. I am amazed at Chris, he has shocked me with his ability to be Super Daddy! And, he has admitted that my job(sahm) was way harder than his. I love this job. It's refreshing to feel a sense of accomplishment when you are busting your butt. And, it's an even better feeling to get a nice big paycheck at the end of the week. This is a lot different than the thankless job of being a SAHM. It's great to get loads of free makeup and ridiculous discounts on Marc Jacobs bags and Betsey Johnson jewelry. What a life! I have actually enjoyed several cups of piping hot coffee without the worry of spilling it on a little monkey trying to get a sip. I am surprised that this is me in the mirror. My face looks great, my clothes are sharp, and I am actually feeling rather cute. Can someone please pinch me, are these eye shadows really five bucks after my discount? There is so much room for growth, and what a fabulous place to grow with.

~and then on the other hand(still thinking)...

Does all that shit even matter? Is my day off over already? That didn't really feel like enough "mommy and me" time. Who will have separation anxiety this morning? Are they being treated well while my watchful eyes are trusting someone else with them? How in the world will I ever be able to get this house cleaned up, or ever cook a nice dinner for my family again? I haven't seen a grocery store in weeks. Forget the grocery store, I haven't seen my Husband or my Kids in weeks. Sex? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is a for sure way to guarantee that we are done having kids! How many hours a day am I actually spending with my family? On some days, it's how many minutes. What happens on Christmas Eve when I am at work all dolled up and wishing for nothing more than to be home in my pj's with my kids? What about when summer roles back around and my weekends with them are non existent? And how about my poor sweet Christian? My stepdaughter who is already robbed of so much family time, now her small dose of normalcy has been cut in to as well. I miss blogging, I miss play dates, I miss the friggin Disney channel in the backround. What the hell am I doing?

decisions ~ decisions ~ decisions

I think it's inevitable. If you stay home you are always wondering what's going on in the real world. You sometimes miss the Woman you once were and sometimes wonder where she went. You sometimes feel guilty or perhaps less worthy for not making a monetary contribution to your household. You go stir crazy with the same mundane tasks every day, and loose motivation when it comes to keeping up with the heaps of laundry and dishes. You wish your Husband could have a raw, uncut taste of what you do day in and day out. And if you are a working Mom, you wonder if you are making the right decision. You question whether or not you are making a selfish decision. You are doing a constant balancing act that is nearly impossible. You sacrifice a lot of time away from your home. Yadda Yadda Yadda.

I was doing great until I got the news that I was going to have to work Sundays after all. That was a major incentive for taking this job. One guaranteed family day a week. Not to mention that I am short staffed and will most likely be working 6 day weeks and 12 hour shifts as the holidays get closer. I have a lot of thinking to do. Ultimately, I will do what's best for my family, no question. I am praying that there is an answer that will satisfy all of our needs. I will keep you posted!