Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thoughts of a former SAHM

Let me first start by felt really good to sign in to Blogger:)

Well, I really take my hat off to all of the working Mommie's of the world. And, I take my whole outfit off to all the SAHM's out there. I feel like I am stuck in purgatory. I have so many mixed feelings and emotions, and what I have decided is that either road is a sacrifice. In fact, sacrifice becomes our middle names the moment we give birth.

So here's a little peek in to my personal thoughts of the week...

I'm feeling more comfy with my decision. The kids have come so far in just a few short weeks. It's a really good thing for all of us. I am amazed at Chris, he has shocked me with his ability to be Super Daddy! And, he has admitted that my job(sahm) was way harder than his. I love this job. It's refreshing to feel a sense of accomplishment when you are busting your butt. And, it's an even better feeling to get a nice big paycheck at the end of the week. This is a lot different than the thankless job of being a SAHM. It's great to get loads of free makeup and ridiculous discounts on Marc Jacobs bags and Betsey Johnson jewelry. What a life! I have actually enjoyed several cups of piping hot coffee without the worry of spilling it on a little monkey trying to get a sip. I am surprised that this is me in the mirror. My face looks great, my clothes are sharp, and I am actually feeling rather cute. Can someone please pinch me, are these eye shadows really five bucks after my discount? There is so much room for growth, and what a fabulous place to grow with.

~and then on the other hand(still thinking)...

Does all that shit even matter? Is my day off over already? That didn't really feel like enough "mommy and me" time. Who will have separation anxiety this morning? Are they being treated well while my watchful eyes are trusting someone else with them? How in the world will I ever be able to get this house cleaned up, or ever cook a nice dinner for my family again? I haven't seen a grocery store in weeks. Forget the grocery store, I haven't seen my Husband or my Kids in weeks. Sex? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is a for sure way to guarantee that we are done having kids! How many hours a day am I actually spending with my family? On some days, it's how many minutes. What happens on Christmas Eve when I am at work all dolled up and wishing for nothing more than to be home in my pj's with my kids? What about when summer roles back around and my weekends with them are non existent? And how about my poor sweet Christian? My stepdaughter who is already robbed of so much family time, now her small dose of normalcy has been cut in to as well. I miss blogging, I miss play dates, I miss the friggin Disney channel in the backround. What the hell am I doing?

decisions ~ decisions ~ decisions

I think it's inevitable. If you stay home you are always wondering what's going on in the real world. You sometimes miss the Woman you once were and sometimes wonder where she went. You sometimes feel guilty or perhaps less worthy for not making a monetary contribution to your household. You go stir crazy with the same mundane tasks every day, and loose motivation when it comes to keeping up with the heaps of laundry and dishes. You wish your Husband could have a raw, uncut taste of what you do day in and day out. And if you are a working Mom, you wonder if you are making the right decision. You question whether or not you are making a selfish decision. You are doing a constant balancing act that is nearly impossible. You sacrifice a lot of time away from your home. Yadda Yadda Yadda.

I was doing great until I got the news that I was going to have to work Sundays after all. That was a major incentive for taking this job. One guaranteed family day a week. Not to mention that I am short staffed and will most likely be working 6 day weeks and 12 hour shifts as the holidays get closer. I have a lot of thinking to do. Ultimately, I will do what's best for my family, no question. I am praying that there is an answer that will satisfy all of our needs. I will keep you posted!


My name is Tammie said...

I dont envy your decision. I do however envy sharp clothes, nice make up and coffee actually hot. ;) I dont honestly know what I would choose if I was given the same choice. Both look so appealing and not so at the same time. ((hug)) I hope that the answer comes to you with ease. You will be in my thoughts for clarity.

I miss you. Your thoughts always make me think.

angie said...

Oh my gosh. I don't envy your decision either. It's funny, I was reading the first part about great discounts and all the perks about working and I was thinking, "how great is that?" and then I read the second part about missing being a SAHM and it's amazing how compelling each side is. My husband works 12 hour shifts, and they are rough with small kids because like you said, it limits your time with them to minutes. Wishing you the best of both worlds and a clear cut answer about your job!! :)

Undomestic Goddess said...

Now I'm crying! you know I'm at the crossroads of mom/job too. you are a stromg woman and you know what is best. Your children/husband will love you no matter what choice you make.Besides the house will never be "clean". I am soooo very proud of you for going after your dream job. Oh how I wish I could come show up in my knit dress and keds and ask you for a job so you wouldn't have to work 12 hour shifts this season. Much Love and Strength ( muah)

Casey's trio said...

I hope you are able to follow your gut/heart/instincts on this one and make a decision that you are at peace with. There is nothing harder than being a parent and your post is SHOUTING that out as loud as possible. You obviously care very, very much about your family and I hope this struggle answers itself soon.